Wishful football thinking

Ok the English football season started at the weekend, the Champions League qualifiers are underway this week with the Premiership joining in on Saturday.

Rather than make predictions on the upcoming season, I thought, this being a centre-left political site it would be more appropriate to list the five things I would like to see happen this year:

1. David Beckham to be a success at Real Madrid.
The media can’t wait for him to fail and to laugh at how English lads from working class backgrounds can’t adapt to life outside of their own confines. Wouldn’t it be great to see Beckham prove them wrong both on a footballing level and in terms of his lifestyle? A respected international footballer speaking decent Spanish and enjoying life in Madrid should shut up both the snobs and the europhobes.

2. Chelsea to be knocked out of the Champions League by East Europeans
Funny isn’t it how the English media has always moaned how Spanish and Italian success has been on the back of apparently dubious cash from mysteriously wealthy club owners but yet they seem quite taken with Roman Abramovich?

While the football fans in Russia have to put up with declining quality in crumbling stadiums (among their many more serious problems), a Russian who has made billions out of their oil (apparently) is spending his cash on entertaining the yuppies at Stamford Bridge. Please fail. If Slovakia’s MSK Zilina can’t do it tonight, let a Russian side eliminate them in the group stage.

3. A mysterious billionairre invests in Burnley.
We might have Alistair Campbell as our ‘celebrity fan’ (the Hated Rich Blackburn Rovers have Thatcher as honorary president) but we didn’t have enough professionals to fill the bench on Saturday as we lost 3-2 at home to nine-man Crystal Palace. We had to release 14 players and have been able to bring in just four free transfers. If our goalkeeper gets injured we don’t have another one to stand in.

But what potential! A mysterious billionairre would be guarenteed to be adored by the public of the town as he invested in our rise back to our rightful place at the top of the game. Who cares where the money came from? And given the political situation in the town would it be too much to have a saviour who would not be allowed in the BNP’s ‘all white Britain’?

4. Manchester City finish above Manchester United.
For the sports media outside of the UK, Alex Ferguson’s side are now known simply as ‘Manchester’. This would end the inaccuracy and the injustice. (The term ‘Man U’ will be banned under socialism as well by the way.)

Dislike of Manchester United surely doesn’t need to be explained but while I am not a fan of City I have always had a soft spot for them. That is even more the case since Kevin Keegan took over. He might have been one of the game’s first millionairres but he has a genuine passion for football and a real understanding of what fans are about. The southern press ripped him to shreds when he was England manager and I’d love it, just love it, if City finished above United.

5. Blackburn Rovers relegated.
See point three.