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IDF in anti-Semitic war-snake shocker

This is a guest-piece from Falsedi’s roving correspondent The Hoth…

The IDF has come under criticism from an unlikely source, having inadvertently walked into a minefield thanks to revealing its latest technology for use on a minefield. The ‘Robot Snake’ – developed by military scientists as a potent means of spying on enemy movements – has been denounced in the strongest terms by the ADL, who accuse the army of “playing straight into the hands of the most virulent anti-Semites”.

 “By developing a product such as the spy-snake, the Israeli military have willingly reinforced one of the most insidious stereotypes of Jewish people”, said the ADL spokesman in a written statement. “For centuries, Jews have been represented as snakes and serpents in racist cartoons and other propagandist imagery; the army know this, yet seem completely indifferent to the sensitivity of the situation – hence they are proudly boasting of their battle-snake to all and sundry without a second thought for the consequences”.

In response, an IDF source (speaking on condition of anonymity) revealed that military chiefs had, in fact, thought long and hard about the connection to the coarse caricatures: “It might sound strange, but we actually took inspiration from such images. Since the prejudices and stereotypes abound regardless of what we do, we decided we might as well make creative use of their accusations – which led to the spy-snake’s conception”. Next in line for development, according to the source, are giant metal claws “which can fit round the Earth and squeeze natural resources such as oil and minerals into a massive funnel leading into Israeli ports and harbours. However, some of our team are cautioning that such a project may be impractical, due to the difficulties of controlling the claws via satellite, so we are concurrently developing as back-up a thousand-mile wide spider which will be able to spin a silken web right around the globe, trapping the entire non-Jewish populace of Earth and holding them captive in order for the Jews to feast on their innards”.

Defence analysts from British and American consultancies are sceptical about the viability of such plans. “Whilst the spy-snake is undoubtedly a triumph in the IDF’s quest to utilise anti-Semitism in its fight against anti-Semitism, the chances of either the claws or spider getting off the ground are slim to none”, said a senior editor at Jane’s Review. “We have heard such grandstanding from the IDF before, but – as with the lacklustre showing from their collaboration with Rakusen’s on the baby-crushing-matza-maker of 2005 – we are sceptical of their ability to deliver on such large-scale ventures as described”.

No one from the IDF chief of staff’s office was available for comment, since the entire Kirya staff was attending the unveiling of the air force’s new super-bat, which hangs suspended from the moon wearing a shtreimel whilst turning the lights out on the entire Muslim world.