Mark Simpson examines the anti-metrosexual backlash, and declares it ‘also gay’:

There’s a war going on in the US. A war on metros. After years living under the cruel designer heel of those triumphant metrosexuals, poor old retrosexuals – alias “regular guys” – are fighting back. Old-time, unself- conscious, un-moisturised masculinity is in. Guys are guys again, with manly, painstakingly shaped and trimmed beards. They eat manly food, drive manly trucks and read manly books on manliness.

Or so you may have read. Truth be told, this is a phoney war. The “menaissance” is mendacious. This isn’t retrosexual at all, but hummersexual – a noisy, overblown, studied and frankly rather camp form of fake masculinity that likes to draw attention to itself and its allegedly old-fashioned “manliness”, but tends – like driving an outsized military vehicle in the suburbs – to be a tad counterproductive.

Hummersexuals. Gay, apparently.

Mark is right. Hetrosexuality is in crisis. There is nothing that can be done about it. I’m not even sure what a straight identity might look like.

I have some mates who had a try. They came up with the “Arthur”. An “Arthur” has a shed in which he keeps his Hi Fi, the centrepiece of which is a valve amplifier. He likes steam locomotives. He whittles things. He is quite practical. He is single minded.

An “Arthur”

An “Arthur” might be homosexual, but he is not gay.