The Swan Pageant

Hasn’t the telly been shite over the holiday period? Things just reached their nadir on “The Living Channel” with a make-over program called “The Swan Pageant”, in which 16 former ‘ugly ducklings’ compete for the title of…er…most made-over, I presume.

I’m sure everyone is familiar with the make-over concept, but The Swan Pageant takes things to a whole new level. We’re not talking a bit of a scrub up, some lip gloss and a nice new hairdo, but plastic surgery, liposuction and hair extensions. ‘Contestants’ parade in what looks like a mock Albert Hall in evening gown, swimsuit and lingerie, and judges award marks out of ten for each transformation, going down to the Figure Skating Championship 1 decimal point. ‘Belinda’ just got 8.4s to 9.1s.

I had to tell someone.

I’m about to put on a Woody Allen DVD from the collection my wife gave me this Christmas – without a doubt, the finest Christmas present I’ve ever received. Both Sleeper and Bananas would make more sense than The Swan Pageant, but I’ve just poured myself a jar of Fuller’s London Pride, I’ve got a box of After Eights by my side, and I feel the need for a Gershwin glissando…

Late evening, solitude, beer, chocolate and the magnum opus of the funniest filmmaker ever, alive or dead. It doesn’t get any better than this – and if I put it on now, it should be finished in time for the midnight, 10-minute freeview on the ‘Adult Channel’.

And there are people who doubt the existence of God. Puhleeze!