Fantasy Fiction

Bin Laden in the UK

This is a guest post by Andy Lambert

It is the year 1996 and a relatively unknown Saudi man called Usama bin Laden is due to arrive in the UK for a speaking tour. At the last minute, the UK government decides to ban him, claiming his presence is not conducive to the public good.

All hell breaks loose and Islamists and their ‘useful idiots’ prepare a co-ordinated response.

Bob Pitt claims this is the latest round of blatant ‘Islamophobia’ and a clear example of how innocent peace loving Muslims are being targeted by the government and non-Islamist Muslim groups. Gosh how dare moderate Muslims be so ‘Islamophobic’.

The MCB, MAB and Green Lane Mosque issue a joint press release claiming that ‘such discriminatory measures will harm community relations and will cause our communities to drift apart’. They arrange a conference at the London Muslim Centre and Daud Abdullah stands up and proclaims:

“On behalf of ALL the Muslims in the United Kingdom I just want to say to the government ‘stop demonising us’! What have you ever done for us anyway?”

‘Free healthcare’ says a timid voice in the crowd, another says ‘state education’ another says ‘modern infrastructure’. ‘Okay okay’ yells Daud ‘so besides Education, Healthcare, grants, modern infrastructure, and permission to build mosques and have Halal meat shops….what has this
Kafir government ever done for us?’

East London Mosque and the IFE issue a statement saying

‘Bin Laden is a much loved scholar and hard working activist who has worked tirelessly to improve community cohesion. We reject the Government’s blatant double standards’

We then discover that, in fact, Bin Laden was a guest speaker at an
IFE arranged seminar funded generously by the London Borough of Tower Hamlets. George Galloway joins in the fun, issuing a press release which emphasizes Bin Laden’s peaceful quest for justice, recalling that ‘we once shared a water pipe and some Baklava once and I loved it’. Hizb ut Tahrir hold a press conference in some dodgy London hotel claiming that this is the latest round of the West’s war against Islam, and something that would never have happened had Ataturk not abolished the Caliphate. Sadly, only three journalists show up and watch fumbling Fombo make a tit of himself. Finally, Anjem Choudary and his goons in nighties try to hold a protest but they get the wrong address and end up shouting at the passing traffic outside the Finnish embassy.

Of course, none of this happened, but you can be sure that this is how it would have unfolded.