This is a guest post by Amjad Khan
CAGE
Vacancy for Managing Director
Main Purpose of the Role
– Mislead the public into believing that there is no such thing as extremism, unless it is far-right extremism.
– Convince gullible non-Muslims that brutal acts (such as stoning women) are fine and racist to criticise.
– Infiltrate liberal and leftist movements whilst simultaneously campaigning for an Islamist theocratic state. (It’s actually not that difficult these days).
– Stand up for all Muslims regardless of what they have done. This includes detained Al-Qaeda foreign fighters and convicted ISIS terrorists in the UK – All Muslims are victims – always…unless they are liberal Muslims in which case they are definitely guilty of something.
– Completely render any nuanced discussion of Islamist radicalisation null and void by asking questions like: What does extremism really mean? Why is calling for a theocratic state a bad idea? What is the meaning of life? Is up really up?
– Infiltrate student movements, making sure CAGE are listed in the NUS manifesto and seen as a strong partner to elected leaders.
– Secretly progress the Islamist agenda by using “human rights” language and render any critique of CAGE Islamophobic and engineering by Zionists and their minions.
– Undermine the Prevent agenda by pretending it’s all part of a Zionist/masonic/illuminati-led conspiracy to undermine anyone who is brown.
– Attack any Muslim who believes in countering extremist ideology and link them to Zionism.
Key Responsibilities
As you can imagine, being managing director of an organisation that works closely with “Jews are monkeys” Haitham Al-Haddad can be a PR nightmare! But fear not, people are gullible these days and you can dig yourself out of a hole by citing Moazzam Begg’s experience in Guantanamo Bay because remember most people still think victims of the US military can do no wrong.
You will have to be cunning and able to meander out of tough questions such as being asked whether you condone FGM live on air. You will also need to raise funds for vital and ground-breaking research like our recent £15,000 report that revealed RICU supports Muslim groups that challenge extremism and is linked to the Home Office. No-one knew about this until we revealed it as an exclusive, David Cameron didn’t mention this in an October 2015 speech, any suggestion that he did is a Zionist conspiracy.
Speaking of Zionist power, you will also need to remind everyone that the government is out to get them. The Zionist UK government have become an Orwellian nightmare, which only serves to alienate Muslims and forces them to join groups that want to rape Yazidi women and behead Shia Muslims. This government needs to be replaced by a theocracy based on what the noble and righteous Taliban did in Afghanistan before it was ruined by imperial western powers. But remember, our liberal non-Muslim partners are not ready for that message yet so make it very subtly. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, hide the fact that we received government funding because that renders our recent attacks on government hypocritical.
A free coffee mug (because coffee was invented by Muslims) and a plate of posh baklava will be given to the successful applicant.
PS. This article is a parody (though it is hard to tell these days), the real CAGE ad can be found here.
